ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
