i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
