my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
