Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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