sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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