I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
