im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
i believe in u and ur pee
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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