Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
