and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
