Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
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