Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize