i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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