Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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