On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
So vagazzling was a success
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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