Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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