My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
