so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
