I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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