i don't really know how much tequila is too much
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
