And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
