I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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