He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Randomize
