My hand turned me down
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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