I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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