sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Plan B is the new Plan A
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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