P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
