I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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