Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
