News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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