Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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