He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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