Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
