Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
