remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
