i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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