there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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