I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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