I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
