Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
