If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
