I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
