I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
