Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
