totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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