Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Best friends brother. Beat that.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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