Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
