Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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