Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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