when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
