last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
