onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
