apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
