I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
