Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
