didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
