we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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