If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
