I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
operation have a gay friend backfired
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
