my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
