I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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