You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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